Book Critique: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

Introduction

            Willard F. Harley in his book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Publishing Group, 2011), attempts to aid his reader(s) minimize, if not eliminate, any potential pitfalls that can cause a marriage to end in divorce. Willard offers as his primary focus for a successful marriage the meeting of emotional needs on the part of each spouse. He states his goal is to teach and help married couples discover and meet one another’s most vital emotional needs (Harley 2011, 12). Harley, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, marriage counselor, and author. He claims, “Husbands’ and wives’ needs are so strong that when they’re not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them” (2011, 15). Harley says that although he worked diligently at learning how to help married couples work through their differences and avoid divorce, he found all his efforts to be for naught (2011, 11). This is when he decided that the best place to turn for help in aiding married couples is married couples; herein he discovered that couple simply wanted to fall in love again (2011, 11).

Summary

            Couples very often and very early in marriage realize that what once was is more than likely going to be no more; things just do not seem to flow the way they did during courtship. Courtship was exciting and new and brought with it romance and chivalry for her, and a companion and trusted friend for him. After marriage however, it can lose its sense of direction. Expectation turns into disappointment and resentment. And because most people are inept at true communication, a desire to seek out what once was can lead to an affair. Harley notes that being in love is more than making each other happy, it is also about how to not make each other unhappy ( 2011, 15). The thrust then of Harley’s work is to help couples avoid an affair by leading them to understand how to meet one another’s emotional needs, and by building the skills necessary to protect each other from such an unfortunate and truly unnecessary situation.

Espousing on what Harley deems the Love Bank, he believes that a spouse is able to make deposits (pleasurable encounters) and withdrawals (painful encounters) into this love bank with Love Units (2011, 24). During courtship many deposits are made, once married many withdrawals are made, and herein comes the danger. By learning to tap into the basic emotional needs for men and woman ( any combination of admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment), a couple can satisfy each other’s needs and avoid one or the other having to seek outside influence.

Harley expresses that of the ten basic needs men are more likely to be influenced by five of them and woman the other five. Woman for example is more inclined to desire affection whereas men seek more a recreational companion. Harley elaborates on how men and women can meet these needs for each other in marriage thereby protecting them from infidelity. Harley offers a wide range of examples through anecdotes and allows his reader an inside look at how things might go wrong and how to avoid those issues. For example, Harley speaks to “The Importance of Conversation,” how to properly engage in it and what to avoid (2011, 70). At the end of each chapter he offers questions for him, questions for her, and questions for both to consider.

Critique

            Although this work is thought provoking and offers many good insights into marriage and how to avoid certain scenarios to keep it safe from falling victim to infidelity, there were some issues this author found unredeeming and at times outright offensive. The work seems to favor men and their needs over and above that of women. Sexual fulfillment is something both men and woman seek, and God’s design is for it to be fulfilled in the marriage vow. To claim that it is a need of a man greater than that of a woman and that woman are to be available to fulfill that need seems to omit God’s plan. Harley also expresses that a woman will play along with her fiancés recreational desires leading him to believe that she is a true recreational companion only to express no desire for said recreation after marriage (2011, 89). This is quite the deception that Harley attributes to woman in general.

The issue of attractiveness is one that this author found way out of bounds. Harley writes that in a particular case a man named Josh needs a woman that is attractive (2011, 118). Psalm 139: 13 reads, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb” (NIV). God created every human being forming each person to his standard, in his image, and they all are beautiful. What man can assume the need for an attractive woman? Also, the idea that an overweight woman needs simply to stop overeating is vastly offensive. There are a number of physical, emotional, and mental reasons a person might be overweight, and to assume that by just consuming less food all problems herein will be solved is a gross neglect of a person’s feelings and not in line with a professional in marriage and psychology.

            Harley barely used any scripture to bring biblical credence to any of his work which leads one to believe that he truly does not intend to follow along God’s plan for marriage but rather relies only on what he has learned over the years. Nonetheless, he does make many valid points. One of which is to protect the sanctity of marriage by building a foundation of trust through recreation. Harley states that if one wants to take pleasure in a fulfilled marriage, his favorite recreation must be enjoyed solely with his spouse (2011, 92). Harley does recognize that at some point recreation can be enjoyed with others, but a foundation must be built first (2011, 94). There is wisdom in this case as it is easy to partake of a favorite recreation with someone who becomes a trusted shoulder to lean on. One might begin to mention things that are going on at home and she might be taken in by unwise counsel, which can eventually lead to more trouble than it is worth.

Evaluation

            Notwithstanding, there is a vast amount of wisdom and insight derived from this work. Enough so that a Pastor or counselor can, at the very least, establish a starting point and begin to help heal a hurting couple. Identifying the necessity to understand one another’s emotional needs is good counsel. Having a couple talk about sex, affection, recreation, and the like would be of great benefit to most that are truly unaware of the importance of understanding and dealing with these issues. The questions at the end of each chapter help the reader focus in on some of her own character issues and the appendices offer a multitude of questionnaires that can help aid a couple better understand one another and their particular situation.

            All in all this was an insightful piece full of practical advice. This author would have liked to have seen better evidence for some of Harley’s claims, and of course greater use of biblical principles as God’s plan for marriage and life is more than able to help the single person and the married couple navigate their world effectively.

  

Bibliography

Harley, Willard F. His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2011.

My life seemed normal until...

My life seemed normal until my wife told me she wanted a divorce. We had been together for almost eleven years, but the last few were very stressful. It took a little over a month to finalize the divorce. During that time I slept in another room of our home. I stayed out late. I went to bars. I smoked marijuana; all of this to ease a pain I didn’t know was brewing inside of me. About three months after the divorce was final the depression of losing my wife really hit hard. I began to spiral out of control and it started taking its toll on my mind, body, and my work. I was partying every weekend. I was spending so much money – money that I could have used to buy a house, a car, and pay for college. I had worked very hard at a Fortune 500 company to climb the corporate ladder. I was promoted from a phone rep to upper management in a very short time; I doubled my salary within nine months. I used that salary to destroy my life. Adding insult to injury, my ex-wife decides to confess, in an email, that she had had an affair. For the next two years I spent most of my time alone, smoking marijuana, drinking, womanizing, and allowing myself to quickly forget about the God of love who saved my life so many years earlier. Finally, I lost my job. I had to ask my Mom if I could come back home and live with her.

I discovered hope and help in Jesus when after a few months of prayer and meditation in his Word, Jesus led me back to where it all began; he led me to the church where I gave him my heart. There he reminded me that he had plans for me, plans to prosper me, and not harm me, plans filled with hope and a future without drinking, drugs, and sexual sin (Jer. 29:11). I felt alive again. I felt full of peace and joy. I mean, up until this point I had sworn off marriage. There was simply no way I was going to go through that heartache again. I had lost so much, but Jesus promised to fill my life with forgiveness and love. But in order to show gratitude for that forgiveness, I had to learn to forgive (Eph 4:32). And so, I forgave my ex-wife for the hurt she caused me; frankly, I caused her just as much hurt. God showed up big time and helped me out of a dark and lonely place and brought me into the light as he is in the light (1 John 1:7). God also introduced me to a woman who would change my heart and mind about love, trust, and marriage.

I am glad I have a personal relationship with Jesus today because without him I would have never received the freedom from deception and fear that told me to never marry again. Without Jesus I would never have become vulnerable enough to allow someone into my life and risk having my heart broken again, thankfully that wasn’t the case. Jesus led me to the most beautiful women I have ever known. She is amazingly trustworthy; I know with all my heart that she would never be unfaithful to me. She is encouraging and forgiving; in fact, she is the epitome of Jesus’ mandate to forgive over and over again (Matt 18:22). And I simply could not have allowed this into my life without my Lord and Savior Jesus leading the way.

Today I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, and I certainly don’t womanize. I have a great deal of respect for women and Jesus has taught me to be honest about my faults in my first marriage. He has taught me how to be balanced in spirit, mind, body, family, and ministry. And let me tell you, I give God glory because in his mercy he did not allow children in my first marriage, but has allowed two beautiful kids in my current and final marriage.

Now, to be clear, I certainly do not have it all together. There are times where I foul up terribly. In those times I have to run to the cross, drop to my knees, and seek the Lord’s forgiveness because I can (Heb. 4:16). I am grateful that Father God is slow to anger and abounding in love (Ps. 103:8). He is full of grace and mercy, and he is teaching me to be like him, and continues to teach me more and more every day. The greatest lesson I have learned is about forgiveness. I forgive because I am forgiven, may I share how something like this can happen to you?