Book Critique: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

Introduction

            Willard F. Harley in his book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Publishing Group, 2011), attempts to aid his reader(s) minimize, if not eliminate, any potential pitfalls that can cause a marriage to end in divorce. Willard offers as his primary focus for a successful marriage the meeting of emotional needs on the part of each spouse. He states his goal is to teach and help married couples discover and meet one another’s most vital emotional needs (Harley 2011, 12). Harley, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, marriage counselor, and author. He claims, “Husbands’ and wives’ needs are so strong that when they’re not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them” (2011, 15). Harley says that although he worked diligently at learning how to help married couples work through their differences and avoid divorce, he found all his efforts to be for naught (2011, 11). This is when he decided that the best place to turn for help in aiding married couples is married couples; herein he discovered that couple simply wanted to fall in love again (2011, 11).

Summary

            Couples very often and very early in marriage realize that what once was is more than likely going to be no more; things just do not seem to flow the way they did during courtship. Courtship was exciting and new and brought with it romance and chivalry for her, and a companion and trusted friend for him. After marriage however, it can lose its sense of direction. Expectation turns into disappointment and resentment. And because most people are inept at true communication, a desire to seek out what once was can lead to an affair. Harley notes that being in love is more than making each other happy, it is also about how to not make each other unhappy ( 2011, 15). The thrust then of Harley’s work is to help couples avoid an affair by leading them to understand how to meet one another’s emotional needs, and by building the skills necessary to protect each other from such an unfortunate and truly unnecessary situation.

Espousing on what Harley deems the Love Bank, he believes that a spouse is able to make deposits (pleasurable encounters) and withdrawals (painful encounters) into this love bank with Love Units (2011, 24). During courtship many deposits are made, once married many withdrawals are made, and herein comes the danger. By learning to tap into the basic emotional needs for men and woman ( any combination of admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment), a couple can satisfy each other’s needs and avoid one or the other having to seek outside influence.

Harley expresses that of the ten basic needs men are more likely to be influenced by five of them and woman the other five. Woman for example is more inclined to desire affection whereas men seek more a recreational companion. Harley elaborates on how men and women can meet these needs for each other in marriage thereby protecting them from infidelity. Harley offers a wide range of examples through anecdotes and allows his reader an inside look at how things might go wrong and how to avoid those issues. For example, Harley speaks to “The Importance of Conversation,” how to properly engage in it and what to avoid (2011, 70). At the end of each chapter he offers questions for him, questions for her, and questions for both to consider.

Critique

            Although this work is thought provoking and offers many good insights into marriage and how to avoid certain scenarios to keep it safe from falling victim to infidelity, there were some issues this author found unredeeming and at times outright offensive. The work seems to favor men and their needs over and above that of women. Sexual fulfillment is something both men and woman seek, and God’s design is for it to be fulfilled in the marriage vow. To claim that it is a need of a man greater than that of a woman and that woman are to be available to fulfill that need seems to omit God’s plan. Harley also expresses that a woman will play along with her fiancés recreational desires leading him to believe that she is a true recreational companion only to express no desire for said recreation after marriage (2011, 89). This is quite the deception that Harley attributes to woman in general.

The issue of attractiveness is one that this author found way out of bounds. Harley writes that in a particular case a man named Josh needs a woman that is attractive (2011, 118). Psalm 139: 13 reads, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb” (NIV). God created every human being forming each person to his standard, in his image, and they all are beautiful. What man can assume the need for an attractive woman? Also, the idea that an overweight woman needs simply to stop overeating is vastly offensive. There are a number of physical, emotional, and mental reasons a person might be overweight, and to assume that by just consuming less food all problems herein will be solved is a gross neglect of a person’s feelings and not in line with a professional in marriage and psychology.

            Harley barely used any scripture to bring biblical credence to any of his work which leads one to believe that he truly does not intend to follow along God’s plan for marriage but rather relies only on what he has learned over the years. Nonetheless, he does make many valid points. One of which is to protect the sanctity of marriage by building a foundation of trust through recreation. Harley states that if one wants to take pleasure in a fulfilled marriage, his favorite recreation must be enjoyed solely with his spouse (2011, 92). Harley does recognize that at some point recreation can be enjoyed with others, but a foundation must be built first (2011, 94). There is wisdom in this case as it is easy to partake of a favorite recreation with someone who becomes a trusted shoulder to lean on. One might begin to mention things that are going on at home and she might be taken in by unwise counsel, which can eventually lead to more trouble than it is worth.

Evaluation

            Notwithstanding, there is a vast amount of wisdom and insight derived from this work. Enough so that a Pastor or counselor can, at the very least, establish a starting point and begin to help heal a hurting couple. Identifying the necessity to understand one another’s emotional needs is good counsel. Having a couple talk about sex, affection, recreation, and the like would be of great benefit to most that are truly unaware of the importance of understanding and dealing with these issues. The questions at the end of each chapter help the reader focus in on some of her own character issues and the appendices offer a multitude of questionnaires that can help aid a couple better understand one another and their particular situation.

            All in all this was an insightful piece full of practical advice. This author would have liked to have seen better evidence for some of Harley’s claims, and of course greater use of biblical principles as God’s plan for marriage and life is more than able to help the single person and the married couple navigate their world effectively.

  

Bibliography

Harley, Willard F. His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2011.