Book Critique: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

Introduction

            Willard F. Harley in his book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Publishing Group, 2011), attempts to aid his reader(s) minimize, if not eliminate, any potential pitfalls that can cause a marriage to end in divorce. Willard offers as his primary focus for a successful marriage the meeting of emotional needs on the part of each spouse. He states his goal is to teach and help married couples discover and meet one another’s most vital emotional needs (Harley 2011, 12). Harley, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, marriage counselor, and author. He claims, “Husbands’ and wives’ needs are so strong that when they’re not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them” (2011, 15). Harley says that although he worked diligently at learning how to help married couples work through their differences and avoid divorce, he found all his efforts to be for naught (2011, 11). This is when he decided that the best place to turn for help in aiding married couples is married couples; herein he discovered that couple simply wanted to fall in love again (2011, 11).

Summary

            Couples very often and very early in marriage realize that what once was is more than likely going to be no more; things just do not seem to flow the way they did during courtship. Courtship was exciting and new and brought with it romance and chivalry for her, and a companion and trusted friend for him. After marriage however, it can lose its sense of direction. Expectation turns into disappointment and resentment. And because most people are inept at true communication, a desire to seek out what once was can lead to an affair. Harley notes that being in love is more than making each other happy, it is also about how to not make each other unhappy ( 2011, 15). The thrust then of Harley’s work is to help couples avoid an affair by leading them to understand how to meet one another’s emotional needs, and by building the skills necessary to protect each other from such an unfortunate and truly unnecessary situation.

Espousing on what Harley deems the Love Bank, he believes that a spouse is able to make deposits (pleasurable encounters) and withdrawals (painful encounters) into this love bank with Love Units (2011, 24). During courtship many deposits are made, once married many withdrawals are made, and herein comes the danger. By learning to tap into the basic emotional needs for men and woman ( any combination of admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment), a couple can satisfy each other’s needs and avoid one or the other having to seek outside influence.

Harley expresses that of the ten basic needs men are more likely to be influenced by five of them and woman the other five. Woman for example is more inclined to desire affection whereas men seek more a recreational companion. Harley elaborates on how men and women can meet these needs for each other in marriage thereby protecting them from infidelity. Harley offers a wide range of examples through anecdotes and allows his reader an inside look at how things might go wrong and how to avoid those issues. For example, Harley speaks to “The Importance of Conversation,” how to properly engage in it and what to avoid (2011, 70). At the end of each chapter he offers questions for him, questions for her, and questions for both to consider.

Critique

            Although this work is thought provoking and offers many good insights into marriage and how to avoid certain scenarios to keep it safe from falling victim to infidelity, there were some issues this author found unredeeming and at times outright offensive. The work seems to favor men and their needs over and above that of women. Sexual fulfillment is something both men and woman seek, and God’s design is for it to be fulfilled in the marriage vow. To claim that it is a need of a man greater than that of a woman and that woman are to be available to fulfill that need seems to omit God’s plan. Harley also expresses that a woman will play along with her fiancés recreational desires leading him to believe that she is a true recreational companion only to express no desire for said recreation after marriage (2011, 89). This is quite the deception that Harley attributes to woman in general.

The issue of attractiveness is one that this author found way out of bounds. Harley writes that in a particular case a man named Josh needs a woman that is attractive (2011, 118). Psalm 139: 13 reads, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb” (NIV). God created every human being forming each person to his standard, in his image, and they all are beautiful. What man can assume the need for an attractive woman? Also, the idea that an overweight woman needs simply to stop overeating is vastly offensive. There are a number of physical, emotional, and mental reasons a person might be overweight, and to assume that by just consuming less food all problems herein will be solved is a gross neglect of a person’s feelings and not in line with a professional in marriage and psychology.

            Harley barely used any scripture to bring biblical credence to any of his work which leads one to believe that he truly does not intend to follow along God’s plan for marriage but rather relies only on what he has learned over the years. Nonetheless, he does make many valid points. One of which is to protect the sanctity of marriage by building a foundation of trust through recreation. Harley states that if one wants to take pleasure in a fulfilled marriage, his favorite recreation must be enjoyed solely with his spouse (2011, 92). Harley does recognize that at some point recreation can be enjoyed with others, but a foundation must be built first (2011, 94). There is wisdom in this case as it is easy to partake of a favorite recreation with someone who becomes a trusted shoulder to lean on. One might begin to mention things that are going on at home and she might be taken in by unwise counsel, which can eventually lead to more trouble than it is worth.

Evaluation

            Notwithstanding, there is a vast amount of wisdom and insight derived from this work. Enough so that a Pastor or counselor can, at the very least, establish a starting point and begin to help heal a hurting couple. Identifying the necessity to understand one another’s emotional needs is good counsel. Having a couple talk about sex, affection, recreation, and the like would be of great benefit to most that are truly unaware of the importance of understanding and dealing with these issues. The questions at the end of each chapter help the reader focus in on some of her own character issues and the appendices offer a multitude of questionnaires that can help aid a couple better understand one another and their particular situation.

            All in all this was an insightful piece full of practical advice. This author would have liked to have seen better evidence for some of Harley’s claims, and of course greater use of biblical principles as God’s plan for marriage and life is more than able to help the single person and the married couple navigate their world effectively.

  

Bibliography

Harley, Willard F. His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2011.

My life seemed normal until...

My life seemed normal until my wife told me she wanted a divorce. We had been together for almost eleven years, but the last few were very stressful. It took a little over a month to finalize the divorce. During that time I slept in another room of our home. I stayed out late. I went to bars. I smoked marijuana; all of this to ease a pain I didn’t know was brewing inside of me. About three months after the divorce was final the depression of losing my wife really hit hard. I began to spiral out of control and it started taking its toll on my mind, body, and my work. I was partying every weekend. I was spending so much money – money that I could have used to buy a house, a car, and pay for college. I had worked very hard at a Fortune 500 company to climb the corporate ladder. I was promoted from a phone rep to upper management in a very short time; I doubled my salary within nine months. I used that salary to destroy my life. Adding insult to injury, my ex-wife decides to confess, in an email, that she had had an affair. For the next two years I spent most of my time alone, smoking marijuana, drinking, womanizing, and allowing myself to quickly forget about the God of love who saved my life so many years earlier. Finally, I lost my job. I had to ask my Mom if I could come back home and live with her.

I discovered hope and help in Jesus when after a few months of prayer and meditation in his Word, Jesus led me back to where it all began; he led me to the church where I gave him my heart. There he reminded me that he had plans for me, plans to prosper me, and not harm me, plans filled with hope and a future without drinking, drugs, and sexual sin (Jer. 29:11). I felt alive again. I felt full of peace and joy. I mean, up until this point I had sworn off marriage. There was simply no way I was going to go through that heartache again. I had lost so much, but Jesus promised to fill my life with forgiveness and love. But in order to show gratitude for that forgiveness, I had to learn to forgive (Eph 4:32). And so, I forgave my ex-wife for the hurt she caused me; frankly, I caused her just as much hurt. God showed up big time and helped me out of a dark and lonely place and brought me into the light as he is in the light (1 John 1:7). God also introduced me to a woman who would change my heart and mind about love, trust, and marriage.

I am glad I have a personal relationship with Jesus today because without him I would have never received the freedom from deception and fear that told me to never marry again. Without Jesus I would never have become vulnerable enough to allow someone into my life and risk having my heart broken again, thankfully that wasn’t the case. Jesus led me to the most beautiful women I have ever known. She is amazingly trustworthy; I know with all my heart that she would never be unfaithful to me. She is encouraging and forgiving; in fact, she is the epitome of Jesus’ mandate to forgive over and over again (Matt 18:22). And I simply could not have allowed this into my life without my Lord and Savior Jesus leading the way.

Today I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, and I certainly don’t womanize. I have a great deal of respect for women and Jesus has taught me to be honest about my faults in my first marriage. He has taught me how to be balanced in spirit, mind, body, family, and ministry. And let me tell you, I give God glory because in his mercy he did not allow children in my first marriage, but has allowed two beautiful kids in my current and final marriage.

Now, to be clear, I certainly do not have it all together. There are times where I foul up terribly. In those times I have to run to the cross, drop to my knees, and seek the Lord’s forgiveness because I can (Heb. 4:16). I am grateful that Father God is slow to anger and abounding in love (Ps. 103:8). He is full of grace and mercy, and he is teaching me to be like him, and continues to teach me more and more every day. The greatest lesson I have learned is about forgiveness. I forgive because I am forgiven, may I share how something like this can happen to you?

My Conversion Testimony

I have not always been a Christian. I was raised in the church but I didn’t really know Jesus for myself. I had no idea how important he would become to me and my life. My father left when I was young and I carried a lot of anger, sadness, and loneliness. I didn’t know how to deal with it. Even though I would go to church with my mom, I never really felt like there was anything there for me. I was never connected. As I got older the things of the world became more and more appealing to me. I left the church and I got involved with drugs, alcohol, and women. I eventually joined a gang and began a life of crime. Gang life was good, so I thought, because it gave me a sense of belonging, a sense of family. But it was not all it was cracked up to be. There was no glitz, and there was no glamour. It was a hard life of running from the cops, and trying not to get killed by other gangs. Also, the strain on my family was hard. Everyone considered me the black sheep. No one trusted me. By nineteen I was done with gang life. I was living at home with my mom but we were constantly butting heads. I needed out. After a final argument, I left home and stayed with a friend for awhile. Coming home one day, I met a young lady on the subway – one month later we were living together.

I realized I needed Jesus and received Him into my life when I was twenty-two years old. Up until this point my girlfriend and I were living together, working, and trying to build a life. But there were still remnants of my old life with me that I had a hard time shaking off – drugs and anger. I had a very bad temper, and bouts of depression. I would turn to marijuana to keep under control. I managed to get my girl addicted to it too. I knew this couldn’t continue but didn’t know how to stop it. My girl had some friends that were Christian and always talking to her about accepting Christ, she would think about it. My mom was committed to the church by this time and was attending one that held weekend retreats called Christ and You Encounter or C.Y. E. My girl and I decided to try one. This was one of the most amazing weekends of my life and it changed everything. In the summer of 1992, on the shoulder of the Senior Pastor who wore a gray pin stripped suit, I prayed the sinner’s prayer and received Christ into my heart. Afterward, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, I knew something changed in me. The Pastor said, “that’s right, let it all out, let it all out.” My girl received Christ during this time too and we decided that we should no longer live outside of God’s will and got married. Not everything changed overnight but we made some really good strides in our life and were grateful to be a part of the kingdom of God.

The biggest change I have noticed in my life is the compassion I have for others in need. My heart completely melts for people who are suffering from addiction and poverty especially. Christ in my life is what has enabled me to experience this compassion and to offer it up to others. There is no way I could have felt like this on my own, I was too selfish. But because of receiving Christ into my heart, I now have his love and compassion for others. I no longer do drugs. I no longer deal with a bad temper. Sure, I get angry sometimes, but the love of Christ always reminds me that I am a changed person and that I no longer need to go there. I have been walking with God as his son because of the life saving work of Jesus on the cross for more than twenty-years now. I have completely turned around my priorities. I have a wonderful family. And I seek to love, live for, worship, and serve Christ in any way I can. I know Jesus saves, he saved me. May I share how something like this can happen to you?

Philosophy of Small Groups

LIBERTY UNIVERSITY BAPTIST THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

Written Assignment 5: Philosophy of Small Groups

Submitted to Dr. Rodney Dempsey, in partial fulfillment

of the requirements for the completion of the course

DSMN 500 – D01

Discipleship Ministries

by

Robert Ortiz Jr.

Submitted: August 20, 2014

Philosophy of Small Groups

            One of the wonderful things Jesus teaches us throughout his ministry is the importance of intimacy. Jesus was intimate with his Father, and he was intimate with his disciples, he loved them. Jesus very specifically chose twelve men to walk with him on a journey, for only a season, which would forever change their lives. Jesus led these men and together they worked, played, traveled, ate, laughed, cried, shared, witnessed miracles, ministered, fought demons, healed the sick, and most importantly they learned to love. “How wonderful, then, it is that Jesus – who is “Lord of all” – should choose this as the tie to bind us to himself, this tender, submissive and humbling bond of love.”[1] And let us not forget, these men (as we are) Jesus chose were far from perfect; in fact one of them betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, another denied him three times, and yet another doubted he truly rose from death to life. Nonetheless, these men experienced things together no one else ever will. And it was in the context of their small group that all of this was possible.

            Small groups in the church today, done well, can lead to experiences no one else will ever have. Small groups are unique because individuals are unique. By bringing in ten – twelve unique individuals for the purpose of discipleship that leads to disciple making, the church can then begin to experience things it has not since the early church described in the book of Acts. Of course for a small group to work effectively there has to be in place certain pieces of the puzzle, these pieces make for an experience that, prayerfully, leads to the birth of other small groups that replicate the first and so on. Steve Gladen of Saddleback Church has a different view on small groups multiplying, he writes, “Small groups need a simple mission. Too often small group "theory" dictates that groups should be constantly multiplying. These strategies often place too much pressure on an average leader to be a "church strategist" instead of a relationship builder. We help small group leaders relax and use their natural desire to serve in ways that help their group grow closer.”[2] While I understand Mr. Gladen’s point of view, I believe that a leader of a small group should have a little pressure put on him to dig deeper in to God’s presence and help his group identify their unique gifting and guide each of them toward ministry to that end.

Small groups work if there is a clear purpose for them and if there are clear parameters. The purpose of any small group should be to build a framework where people are being discipled and that eventually those people will go on to disciple others. For this to effectively happen there needs to be a clear goal of discipleship, an intentional leader who makes disciples, a biblically relational environment, a reproducible process, and a supporting organization.[3] There also needs to be in place a system of checks and balance to ensure the small group is operating biblically. Professor Rod Dempsey, in Lecture Notes: What is a G.R.O.U.P.?, outlines that an effectively led group is guided by a leader and overseen by a coach, has regular meeting times, opens God’s word, is united in serving, and the members pray for one another.[4] 

So then, a small group ministry should be led by a mature Christian who along with a disciple focused church is focused on helping a definite number of Christians, ten –twelve but no more than twenty, meet regularly to be developed and nurtured in an interdependent relational environment predicated on sound biblical principles. It should be a place where the group really fellowships, worships together, prays together, and does ministry together. It should be a group that matures together and where new group leaders are identified so that other groups may be formed. This group should be together for a definite time frame, twelve to eighteen months.

The Relational Group

            “Making disciples is the main reason why a church exists, so everything in a corporate body needs to funnel people toward a relational small group in which discipleship can best happen.”[5] Going back to intimacy, small groups allow for just that. Discipleship in small groups is so much more than just someone teaching and other learning, it is about building relationships and trust that allow for true growth as the group shares their lives with each other. It is about being honest with sin in one’s life and relying on the group to pray, to offer help, to be a shoulder to lean on or cry on, and to keep things in strict confidence. It is a group that one can trust with even the deepest and darkest of issues. It is a group where if one wanders away someone will come looking. It is a group where one will be missed and the others will find you. It is a group that is not fearful of discipline but does so “for the purpose of restoring, not punishing.”[6] It is a community that cares for each other and would tear down a roof for one of their own, “There’s something about community that draws people into a relationship with Jesus. One man on his own couldn’t have brought this man to Jesus. Two men probably couldn’t have carried him all the way. It took a community, a brotherhood, a small group.”[7]

One of the hardest things to do in a church is make friends that are true. It is often quite challenging to find people that you can confess your sins to without feeling like you will be judged. And it is especially disconcerting to think that whatever you share may get back to leadership and they in turn think of you differently, perhaps even preventing your mobility in ministry. So the best thing to do is just keep things to yourself; just be a lone ranger. But that of course is not the best course of action for any Christian, growth will be nearly impossible. The small group allows for relationship built upon and centered on the Word of God which is practically applied to each life. Done well, the small group can build relationships that last a lifetime even if the group dismantles based on an end time.

When asked which of all the commandments is most important, “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”[8] Jesus is telling us that nothing is more important than love. It was love that moved his heart to leave his throne in heaven and sacrifice himself for the sake of mankind. And Jesus knew that the best method of learning to love was in the confines of a small and intimate group.

A small group spending time together, praying, worshipping, confessing, learning to live according to the Word and building trust is a recipe for learning absolute love and acceptance. Acceptance is a key to small group success. Jesus choose men from very different backgrounds, he was not concerned with what they looked like, spoke like, their social or economic status, he accepted them for who they were, warts and all. “Personal acceptance occurs when there is unconditional personal regard. It happens when you treat another as an equal no matter how the person looks, feels, or acts…Acceptance is another word for grace or unmerited favor. It is given as a gift. As leader, you need to offer acceptance to each person and seek to have members of the group offer it to each other.”[9]

The Missional Group

            The group that is functioning properly in the context of discipleship and relationship is acutely aware of the need to “go and make disciples.”[10] But a group, or church for that matter, cannot make disciples if there is no one to disciple. Win, grow, and send, that is one of the main focuses in outreach which should be an integral part of the small group agenda. The missional group then is focused on reaching their community with the love of Jesus. This can be accomplished by the group working together to sponsor events such as a block party, or a thrift sale, or a bake sale, perhaps a movie night with free refreshments. This allows the community, usually family, friends, and co-workers first, and eventually the community at large to engage the church and see that it’s not so bad. The opportunity then arises for questions and answers, and then an invitation to a weekend service and prayerfully an invitation to meet Jesus.

            The small group should always be other focused. Jesus trained his disciples to go into the entire world in the midst of its ugliness to gather in the harvest because it is plentiful. As disciples we should be ready to share our faith and the prayer is that the group environment and dynamic is preparing for that very thing. In the group one learns to live out the life of a true disciple but is also aware that Jesus came to save the lost. In learning to love, and trust, and learn biblically sound principles of living life in full surrender to Jesus, his disciples are filled with compassion for the poor, the orphan, and the widow. There are millions of people that will die each year without receiving Christ as their Lord and Savior. The small group dynamic fills a gap that the church today is simply not meeting.

My Current Status

            At this time I am not involved in any ministry as my family and I are in transition praying for God to lead us to a church. We are visiting with a large church in our area but have not made any significant contacts. This church does have what it calls “life groups.” They have the philosophy that small groups help to build relationships and help keep followers connected. They claim that once in a group it is a place where “you will be missed.” My wife and I are taking things slowly. We left an environment that has affected us quite deeply in a negative way. But we press on believing and trusting that the Lord will restore us and allow us to again be part of the ministries we love, serving people, and doing what our heart desires.

            Sadly, there are too many churches like the one we left; churches without vision or a desire to reach the community, let alone grow its saints. I do not know if it is fear or pride or wickedness that prevents the church and its leaders from doing things that make spiritual sense, only God truly knows. What I do know is that the people of the world are hurting and true disciples of Christ need to get out there and reap the harvest Jesus said was plentiful. Through small groups we can build up laborers ready to reap that harvest.

---

[1] R. F. Horton, “The Love of Jesus.” The Sunday at Home : A Family Magazine for Sabbath Reading, no. 1826 (Apr 27, 1889): 261-4, http://search.proquest.com/docview/4025069?accountid=12085, accessed August 20, 2014.

[2] Steve Gladen, The Saddleback Small Group Difference, http://www.smallgroups.net/, 2014, accessed August 20, 2014.

[3] Jim Putman, Bobby Harrington, and Robert E. Coleman, Discipleshift: Five Steps that Help Your Church to Make Disciples Who Make Disciples, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2013), 177-8.

[4] Rod Dempsey, Lecture Notes: What is a G.R.O.U.P.? DSMN500.

[5] Putman, et al., 184.

[6] Ibid., 188.

[7] Heather Zempel, Community Is Messy : The Perils and Promise of Small Group Ministry, (Westmont, IL:  InterVarsity Press, 2012), 15.

[8] Mark 12:28-31, NIV.

[9] Palmer Becker, Called to Care: A Training Maual for Small Group Leaders, (Scottdale, PA.:Herald Press, 1993), 63.

[10] Matthew 28:19.

Bibliography

Becker, Palmer. Called to Care: A Training Maual for Small Group Leaders. Scottdale, PA.:Herald Press, 1993.

Dempsey, Rod. Lecture Notes: What is a G.R.O.U.P.? DSMN500.

Gladen, Steve. The Saddleback Small Group Difference. http://www.smallgroups.net/, 2014. Accessed August 20, 2014.

Horton,R. F. “The Love of Jesus.” The Sunday at Home : A Family Magazine for Sabbath Reading, no. 1826 (Apr 27, 1889): 261-4. http://search.proquest.com/docview/4025069?accountid=12085. Accessed August 20, 2014.

Putman, Jim, Bobby Harrington, and Robert E. Coleman. Discipleshift: Five Steps that Help Your Church to Make Disciples Who Make Disciples. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2013.

Zempel, Heather. Community Is Messy : The Perils and Promise of Small Group Ministry. Westmont, IL:  InterVarsity Press, 2012.

Discipleship and a Healthy Church

LIBERTY UNIVERSITY BAPTIST THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

Written Assignment 4: Discipleship and a Healthy Church

Submitted to Dr. Rodney Dempsey, in partial fulfillment

of the requirements for the completion of the course

DSMN 500 – D01

Discipleship Ministries

by

Robert Ortiz Jr.

Submitted: August 17, 2014

Discipleship, the Goal of a Healthy Church

            A healthy church is not unlike a healthy human body. Paul, in Ephesians 1 tells us that the church is likened to the body of Christ. He has good reason. When the body operates in peak performance all of its major and minor components move flawlessly through a complex maze to very effectively afford its host an efficient and productive existence, one that allows for superior rest, clear thought, prosperous relationships, and a deep contentment and fulfillment. And this is all multiplied by infinity when God, through Jesus Christ, under the inspiration of Holy Spirit is allowed to be the driving force of it all. The church is also a complex maze of major and minor components. Those components are of course people. Although members of the body of Christ have varying roles, just like in the human body, no one person is more or less important than another; they must all work together . And why must they work together? In order to allow for its host to operate at peak performance to do what it was meant to do, namely, love, live for, worship, and serve God.

            This complex system cannot operate at peak performance however if it is not properly cared for. If the human body does not take in healthy and nutritious foods, exercise, and proper rest it will eventually fail to perform at peak performance and soon after not perform at all. So too will the church fail to perform at peak performance and soon after not perform at all if it is not cared for according to the prescription of the Lord provided for in his Word. Christ’s prescription for a healthy church is discipleship.

            The goal of the church is to develop believers to become mature in their faith to such a degree that they in turn develop other believers to do the same; disciples making disciples. The church is a conduit to that end; a body working in sync to effect the health of the whole. However, the church cannot accomplish that end if she is unhealthy. There are numerous ways for a church to become and remain healthy. Rod Dempsey outlines “twenty statements that could possibly indicate health in the body of Christ.”[1] Dempsey is sure to express that these statements are by no means exhaustive but rather a good starting point to which more can be added. The list considers a wide spectrum from pastor to lay person, from mature Christian to new believer, from discipline to finances. Somewhere along the line of history the role and function of the church has radically changed from Christ’s intentions, it truly is time for her to get back to basics and make a Discipleshift.

A Sad but Common Story

             John is currently not a member of a congregation. John was a member of his previous church for almost ten years but has been known by leadership there for almost twenty-five years. John surrendered his life to Christ on the shoulder of the senior pastor when he was in his early twenties. He moved on. He returned in his early thirties.  John served in a great many capacities: Worship team member, Children’s ministry, Youth ministry, Janitorial staff, Transportation ministry, Sound / stage ministry, and General church assistant. His relatives still attend and have been members for over twenty-five years. His wife’s family have been members just as long. John met his wife at this church. 

For as much as John ministered at this church he was not allowed to serve in the ministries he believed the Lord was leading him to. In the ten years he was a productive member of this church he was not discipled. In fact, the model of spiritual growth was to go and do it on your own. The senior pastor did not believe in personal discipleship because he was not discipled. He learned all he had by reading the Word and just doing it; so he believed that was the method for his membership. The top three areas the church should focus on are 1. concerning the leader’s role in the church, 2. spiritual growth of members, and 3. the Great Commission.

The leaders of the church, only three men, believe as the senior pastor does. Because the senior pastor believes as he does regarding personal discipleship, he also believes that members only need to be fed on Sunday’s via his sermon; the other leaders follow suit in their ministry. The leaders of the church are not interested in maturing the saints, especially not the men. Since John has been a member of the church there have been no efforts made to unite the men of the church. At the time of John leaving, there were six men in attendance and three are leaders. One thing about the leadership, and John has had to consider this greatly and with heavy heart, is that it is easy to dictate what a leader should do; there is a high degree of expectation when it comes to leaders and John was fully aware that “unrealistically high expectations cloud our perspective, create unwarranted disappointment, and steal our emotional energy.”[2] That was not the case in this scenario. Somewhere along the line vision was lost, fear crept in and stayed there, and it became easier to control than to grow.

The saints are not growing in maturity, they are not growing in unity, and neither are they encouraged to find and use their gifting. There is a woman’s group that meets every month at the home of a member; this is the only small group. The pastor’s wife does not attend. There are no ministry opportunities available to the saints. There is no manner by which to cultivate growth, experience, and a real love for ministry. There is so much involved in cultivating a mature, well-rounded, faithful Christian, “a sermon and a home Bible study each week cannot possibly suffice.”[3] The saints that do figure things out on their own inevitably leave the church because they learn that they need to be educated (fed) if they are to be excellent in their walk.

Evangelism is non-existent. There is a breakfast held every other Saturday, but it is merely a social program. It records some 125 meals given out each Saturday. A closer look at the sign in book reveals that almost 95% of those in attendance are the same people coming over and over again. Not one of those people in the year 2013 attended Sunday service. There are no efforts made to reach the community. Any small advances in evangelism are quickly squashed because members are not encouraged to participate. There were no new members added to the church in 2013. There were no baptisms in 2013. There were two evangelistic BBQ’s in summer of 2013 sponsored by guests of the church. No new converts.

It is disheartening to read John's assessment because it makes so very clear that everything he has learned in discipleship class is missing from his old church. John finally had to leave because he wanted to see change. He suggested ministry ideas. He garnered support for evangelism. But he was seen as a trouble maker and an insubordinate because he did not agree with how things were being run. John was treated so very poorly by his previous pastor because for ten years he desired to be discipled but was deemed impatient, pushy, angry, and not truly of God. He was eventually shunned by his church and the organization behind it. As the years went on John learned that what he asked for was supposed to happen for everyone in the church but it was not. And people, including John, were simply vanishing - or so it seemed.

How to Make a Change

            Sadly, many churches throughout the United States are reminiscent of this one. There are so many variables in play as to why a ministry acts and/or reacts the way it does. In any event, the first way to enact change in the scenario described above is to pray. Prayer and faith move mountains. And the first prayer is for the pastor. As the shepherd of the church, its leader, the pastor has to be a disciple first; seeking the will of Jesus should be his number one priority. In doing so he learns to emulate Christ’s methodology regarding how to disciple others and for what purpose. It seems the church has forgotten what its role is and it is up to the pastor to establish its purpose.

            Next is to focus on the spiritual growth of the members. Members need to be equipped, empowered, and encouraged to follow Christ according to the Word. Relational groups would be ideal here as outlined by Dempsey. There has never been a call to have members come together, on their own, in order to learn love according to Acts 42. Sometimes I have felt as though the leadership has prevented this on purpose. Also, leadership taking an interest in members for the purpose of growing them into leaders would make a radical change in this church.

            

           Lastly, a focus on evangelism is sorely missing. Evangelism has not played a major role in this church and thusly no new members. The community the local church serves must be at the forefront of its ministries. A direct and targeted approach to reaching the neighborhood is vital to expressing the love of Jesus to the poor (in spirit and otherwise). This has to be a priority in today’s church – but as a package. It is not enough to win the lost, they have to be nurtured (discipled), and then sent out.

Conclusion

            Any church with Christ as its head can make dramatic changes and meet the prescription of Jesus to win, grow, and send the lost. Leadership can move from one frame of mind to another, from incorrect to correct, even if it does take time, energy, and effort, in order to accomplish the will of the Father. Anything is possible. The key is desire. Only when the senior leadership realizes there is a need to change and desires it, will it happen. Let us pray for the hearts of leadership to realize something is awry in their church and that they have a desire to change it.

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[1] Dave Earley and Rod Dempsey, Disciple Making Is…: How to Live the Great Commission with Passion and Confidence, (Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2013), 212. 

[2] Samuel R Chand, Cracking Your Church's Culture Code : Seven Keys to Unleashing Vision and Inspiration, (Hoboken, NJ: Jossey-Bass, 2010), 88.

[3] John G. Stackhouse, Making the Best of It: Following Christ in the Real World, (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2008), 315.

Bibliography

Chand, Samuel R. Cracking Your Church's Culture Code : Seven Keys to Unleashing Vision and Inspiration. Hoboken, NJ: Jossey-Bass, 2010.

Earley, Dave and Rod Dempsey. Disciple Making Is…: How to Live the Great Commission with Passion and Confidence. Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2013.

Stackhouse, John G. Making the Best of It: Following Christ in the Real World. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2008.

Disciple Making in the Local Church

LIBERTY UNIVERSITY BAPTIST THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

Written Assignment 3: Disciple Making in the Local Church

Submitted to Dr. Rodney Dempsey, in partial fulfillment

of the requirements for the completion of the course

DSMN 500 – D01

Discipleship Ministries

by

Robert Ortiz Jr.

Submitted: August 11, 2014

The Importance of Making Disciples

            I am a seminary student. As I begin to write this paper I confess my heart is heavy. I have been having a hard time of it this semester and save the grace of God through my thoughtful Professors I would have given up because I am unable to get my head in the game as it were. This class reminds me of what the church should be doing but is not. My heart is heavy because I was let down by my previous church. I was let down by my previous leaders, in fact, I do not speak to my own brother (Youth Coordinator, Worship leader and Church leader) any longer, this is a man I ministered with as worship team members and youth leaders ( I am praying about this deeply). The main cause of all this heartache is because I see things according to God’s Word, whereas the men I have dealt with see things according to their own understanding, their own view of how the church should operate. This previous church of mine was visionless. It was led by men that did not care to disciple its congregation. Men that did not care to evangelize the community. Men that did not care to grow the men of the church, and men that did not focus whatsoever on outreach of any kind. “Churches that do not focus on these ministries will die in just a few generations.”[1] I doubt it will see a second generation. The main concern of the leadership was submission to them and renovating the church building (something that has been the focus of church leadership for more than twenty years).

            At the time of my departure there were less than twenty members in the church; weekly attendance was around forty or so. This is in a building that housed 172 occupants in the main sanctuary in a three story multimillion dollar edifice. The church currently boasts a bevy of children’s activities on the weekends, a decent youth ministry (13-18), and a very active “groups” ministry where groups from the church affiliated organization come to stay in its dorms for ministry opportunities throughout New York City (hardly ever in the community the church resides in) . Sadly, the leadership believes because of these things they are blessed and are in the will of God (I call it the Saul complex). When I write leadership, I mean two men – the senior pastor and the associate pastor.

            People have left the church because they have felt voiceless. People have moved on to other churches because they were starving, not even milk was being served. “Pastors generally think their sheep are getting a good meal; however, their listeners disagree…”[2] My goal is not to bash my previous church, I pray for them and the leadership, my goal is to illustrate the importance of the local church in developing believers to be disciples and to make disciples. I currently am not a member of a church. I am visiting a fairly large church but I am taking it real slow, to slow maybe. Can I blame the church and its leaders for leaving me and so many others to the wayside? Yes, but I do not; it is nonetheless still very hard to navigate through such hurt. Imagine then a new believer; without the proper guidance, how will he navigate this incredibly complex terrain we call Christianity; discipleship is key. The local church and the Christian community then are major players in its success.

The Local Church

            Rod Dempsey writes, “The church must be in the absolute middle of God’s global plan of making disciples.”[3] This is so true. It seems however that the church has taken itself out of the middle of God’s plan and positioned itself in the forefront of its own plan. It is no wonder then that the Christian church has very little authority and influence in the U.S. and even less true disciples. The role of the local church, the called out ones, is to first establish how it is positioned and then determine how to facilitate disciples and disciple makers from that starting point. Greg Ogden writes, “If we are to devise a successful strategy of disciple making in our churches, we must first assess the gap between where we are and where we are called to go.”[4] If the church identifies itself as a relatively small church then collectively it can work on the basis of a small group. If it is a larger church then it needs to position itself as such to establish leaders that can lead small groups. Whether it is the pastor of a small, hopefully growing church, or the leader of a small group, “regular interaction with caring, biblically trained [discipled] leaders prompts spiritual growth.”[5]

Local Community

            Individuals make up the church – the body of Christ. In establishing his church Jesus set forth to disciple twelve men, one of which, Peter, would be the rock on which he would build it. They all would receive the best of the best when it came to being discipled, no greater mentor can a person have then Jesus the Christ himself. Nonetheless, Bonhoeffer writes,

For the first disciples bodily community with Jesus did not mean anything different or anything more than what we have today. Indeed, for us this community is even more definite, more complete, and more certain than it was for them, since we live in full community with the bodily presence of the glorified Lord.[6]

This is an amazing concept that Bonhoeffer brings to the table. He is saying that we as Christians today are in an even better position than the disciples who walked with, ate with, cried with, laughed with, did ministry with, and saw the miracles of Jesus the Christ. If this is case, then should not the church be in the very best position to win, grow, and send disciples? We are able to do exceedingly more because of the indwelling Holy Spirit, the helper Jesus promised us – with him all things are possible, this gives credence to the better position we have than the disciples. The people of God are in the top three most important aspects of true and effective discipleship, the Word of God and the Spirit of God being the other two. Jesus said that everything in the Law and the Prophets can be simplified, he means we as his creation are to love God and love people. “This means that we cannot separate relationships from the disciple-making process. Our interactions with other people are one of the means God uses to teach us truth.”[7] In other words an extremely high priority needs to be placed on the importance of raising saints to be what God has created them to be.

Role of the Pastor

            Pastors are called to train and prepare congregants to go forth and make disciples. Whilst they are doing this they are commissioned to feed and protect the saints. They are the ones tasked by God to make sure the congregation is healthy and strong ready to give an account for that which they believe; therefore, “the health of the body of Christ should be a very important consideration for the leaders of a church.”[8] The best form of discipling, the one Jesus modeled so very well, is by example. It is simply not enough for a pastor to preach on Sunday and assume that is adequate discipleship; “preaching alone will not make disciples.”[9]

Jesus was a hands-on disciple maker. He did what he taught. Sadly, this is just not happening in the church today. “So many people have not been taught the importance of following what Jesus teaches, and even if they have, there is little modeling to show them how, and there is little accountability through relationships to support life change.”[10] The lure of big time televangelist or mega-church pastorship has taken the place of honest caring for the sheep of Christ. Seems Jesus was just talking to Peter. More so, and I think this is the prevalent truth, Pastors just do not know how to make disciples, they base their calling on a specific gifting without consideration to the vast responsibility of leading a flock. I believe, if every church leader, especially its core pastoral team to include the senior pastor, followed the “four main roles of a disciple making pastor” as outlined by Putman et al, we would see a vast and profound change in the influence of the church on the world. These four roles are a pastor (leader) needs to first be an authentic disciple, he should be a discipleship system builder, he should develop leaders, and finally he should be a vision caster (many miss this one if not all of them).[11]

Saints and Spiritual Gifts

            At the end of the day however it is all about the people. People are who Christ came to save and disciple to be world changers. The people of God play a vital role in continuing the work Christ established through the first disciples and so forth. And the driving force behind it all is of course love. Without love everything just fails. It was love that moved the heart of Christ to leave his glory. It is love then that should move the hearts of saints to reach out to the lost to win them, grow them, and send them. And God is so wonderful; he has given to each of his children a special gift to use in the furtherance of his kingdom. Every believer has been endowed with a unique gift in order to use it to help another reach their full potential in Christ; to keep the body of Christ healthy and strong. If saints are not being developed to understand and out to practice their gifting, then the whole body suffers. And it is important to keep in mind that every single person, just as every single part of the body is, vital to the overall well being and effectiveness of the church.

Conclusion

            The church started in the homes of the early believers. There they cultivated a community spirit and accomplished a great deal because they worked together, ate together, shared their lives openly and honestly, and most of all they saw the vision Christ intended and pursued it with passion and tenacity. The church has changed a great deal since those early days but the mission remains the same. We need to pray for pastors and leaders to follow a systematic plan to reach people, and teach people. And as leaders, our goal is to help the church fulfill her role in the plan and will of God.

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[1] Gary L. McIntosh and Charles Arn, What Every Pastor Should Know: 101 Indispensible Rules of Thumb for Leading Your Church (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2013), 13.

[2] Julia Duin, Quitting Church: Why the faithful are Leaving, (Grand Rapids: Bondfire Books, 2013), 68.

[3] Dave Earley and Rod Dempsey, Disciple Making Is…: How to Live the Great Commission with Passion and Confidence, (Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2013), 39.

[4] Greg Ogden, Transforming Discipleship: Making Disciples a Few at a Time, (Westmont, IL:

InterVarsity Press, 2010), 21.

[5] Jim Putman, Bobby Harrington, and Robert E. Coleman, Discipleshift: Five Steps that Help Your Church to Make Disciples Who Make Disciples, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2013), 134. 

[6] Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Discipleship, Geffrey B. Kelly and John D. Godsey, eds. And Barbara Green and Reinhard Krauss, trans., (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2001), 213. 

[7] Putman, et al., 140.

[8] Dempsey, 41.

[9] Putman, et al., 146.

[10] Ibid., 159.

[11] Putman et al., 119-126.

Bibliography

Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Discipleship. Geffrey B. Kelly and John D. Godsey, eds. and Barbara

Green and Reinhard Krauss, trans. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2001.

Duin, Julia. Quitting Church: Why the faithful are Leaving. Grand Rapids: Bondfire Books,

Earley, Dave, Rod Dempsey. Disciple Making Is…: How to Live the Great Commission with

Passion and Confidence. Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2013.

            2013.

McIntosh, Gary L. and Charles Arn. What Every Pastor Should Know: 101 Indispensible

 Rules of Thumb for Leading Your Church. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2013.

Ogden, Greg. Transforming Discipleship: Making Disciples a Few at a Time. Westmont, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2010, http://site.ebrary.com.ezproxy.liberty.edu:2048/lib/liberty/docDetail.action?docID=10828094. Accessed July 20, 2014.

Putman, Jim, Bobby Harrington, and Robert E. Coleman. Discipleshift: Five Steps that Help Your Church to Make Disciples Who Make Disciples. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2013.